F@#*! God#$*&! Mother@$#*!!!!!!!!!

OK, so we needed a car battery for our SUV
this morning.
Sounds simple enough, right?

HUBBY:
Just go to Costco, batteries are cheap there.

(extremely slow in the whole car parts, prices,
etiquette) WIFE:
So what kind of battery do I get?

HUBBY:
I don't know, just ask whoever is behind the
counter.

(sort of patient but NOT wanting to go to
town for a boring battery) WIFE:
OK, so what do I ask for? What KIND of
battery? Is there like a certain number I
need or a certain amount of energy? What?

HUBBY:
I don't know, just look under the hood at
the battery but make sure you get one that
has all the connections in the right place.

(patience is fading, lack of caffeine hence
headache starting to kick in) WIFE:
First of all, I don't know HOW to get the
hood on the car up, and I have no idea
what connections you are talking about
and if I DID, then I wouldn't be freaking
out about buying a battery! Could you
help me out just a little bit??????

(with major rolling of eyes) HUBBY:
Come outside, lets look at it.

(freezing my ass off in purple fuzzy
slippers in 30 degree weather,
with nice hot coffee getting cold
inside) WIFE:
Which button do I push to open the
hood?

FASTFORWARD

(late for work, frustrated) HUBBY:
Make sure the battery is this many
inches by this many inches and the
positive and negative posts are here
and here. But they might ask you
about a core charge so find out about
that, too.

(patience is gone, as is feeling in
fingers and toes) WIFE:
What the HELL is a CORE CHARGE?

(hopping into own vehicle which
starts right up with lots of power and
energy and HEAT) HUBBY:
They'll want you to turn in an old
battery when you buy the new one.

(pissed off with fire in eyes) WIFE:
How the F#@* am I supposed to
take our OLD battery out of our car?
Am I supposed to just do that in the
middle of Costco parking lot or WHAT?

(extremely late but extremely warm sitting
in running vehicle)
HUBBY:
There's an old battery sitting outside the
shed, just take that one in. Have a good
day, bye!

(screaming headache, freezing hands and
extremely irritated) WIFE:
But which button do I push to close the
hood?

FASTFORWARD

(mad at hubby and the world for having
to spend morning driving to local city which
is normally a 15 minute drive but now takes
30-45 due to construction, bypasses favorite
latte stand to take the shortcut that might
get to Costco in 25 minutes instead of 45,
pulls into parking lot at EXACTLY 8:30 in
the morning and finds parking lot completely
empty, drives by front door to see when
damn store opens, sees it doesn't open until
10:00) WIFE:
F#*@!! God@~#*! Motherf#*@!!

(so mad has to sit calmly for one minute
so hands stop shaking to call hubby at
work)WIFE:
So this place does NOT OPEN for an
hour and a half and I am NOT going
to sit here for an hour and a half and I
can't go anywhere ELSE to kill time
because if I shut the car off it might not
start again so what is it EXACTLY that
you want me to do because I am extremely
close to pulling off my fingernails and
running into RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC
right at the moment!

(happy to be anywhere but in wife's
car at the moment) HUBBY:
Just go to Walmart. Batteries are
cheap there, too, and I think they
opened at 7:00!